Fall 2009
We were watching the L
Word, snuggled up in her dorm room bed and discussing our favorite characters
(her: Jenny; me: Dana). When the episode ended, she turned to me and said she
wanted to ask me something. She seemed serious, and I got nervous. Maggie* was
the very first girl I had kissed, the very first girl I had dated. She was
gorgeous and sexy. Femme with a touch of edginess. This combination made her a safe
choice for a lot of bi-curious girls to test out their same-sex attraction. It
also led to a lot of heartache and confusion for Maggie. She told me she didn’t
want what we had to turn out the same way.
“So, which is it?” she
asked. “Do you like me because of me
or because I’m a woman?”
I froze. I didn’t expect
this conversation. And I didn’t know the answer. Everything was still so new to
me. I was figuring out who I was, what I liked, and who I wanted to be. I was
honest with her.
“I…I don’t know,” I said
reluctantly. “I think it’s a little bit of both.”
Wrong answer, apparently. Or,
maybe a little too honest. She didn’t
want to be used. I didn’t think that I was using her. I told her that I liked
her. A lot. Which was so true. But I
didn’t know what I wanted enough to know what I was doing. I felt like a
hormonal teenage boy. I thought about her constantly. I couldn’t focus on my
classes. I smelled her perfume everywhere. Shit. How did anyone get anything
done feeling like this?
And then I got my first
taste of heartbreak. After that dreaded conversation, Maggie started drifting
away, not returning my texts as quickly and then eventually not at all. A few
weeks later, I finally ran into her at the on-campus student restaurant when
she was meeting up with one of my other friends. I walked up close, loosely
grabbed her shirt, and leaned in to ask her where she’d been. I was trying to be flirty, but being that close
to her again just made me sad. I knew that we were done, despite her inability to be direct
with me.
And so began my angsty
period of Tegan and Sara. First loves rarely turn out well, but in this case, it
led to a whole new genre of music. And for that, I will always be grateful to Maggie.
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