Sunday, July 27, 2014

The first one

Fall 2009

We were watching the L Word, snuggled up in her dorm room bed and discussing our favorite characters (her: Jenny; me: Dana). When the episode ended, she turned to me and said she wanted to ask me something. She seemed serious, and I got nervous. Maggie* was the very first girl I had kissed, the very first girl I had dated. She was gorgeous and sexy. Femme with a touch of edginess. This combination made her a safe choice for a lot of bi-curious girls to test out their same-sex attraction. It also led to a lot of heartache and confusion for Maggie. She told me she didn’t want what we had to turn out the same way.

“So, which is it?” she asked. “Do you like me because of me or because I’m a woman?”

I froze. I didn’t expect this conversation. And I didn’t know the answer. Everything was still so new to me. I was figuring out who I was, what I liked, and who I wanted to be. I was honest with her.

“I…I don’t know,” I said reluctantly. “I think it’s a little bit of both.”

Wrong answer, apparently. Or, maybe a little too honest. She didn’t want to be used. I didn’t think that I was using her. I told her that I liked her. A lot. Which was so true. But I didn’t know what I wanted enough to know what I was doing. I felt like a hormonal teenage boy. I thought about her constantly. I couldn’t focus on my classes. I smelled her perfume everywhere. Shit. How did anyone get anything done feeling like this?

And then I got my first taste of heartbreak. After that dreaded conversation, Maggie started drifting away, not returning my texts as quickly and then eventually not at all. A few weeks later, I finally ran into her at the on-campus student restaurant when she was meeting up with one of my other friends. I walked up close, loosely grabbed her shirt, and leaned in to ask her where she’d been. I was trying to be flirty, but being that close to her again just made me sad. I knew that we were done, despite her inability to be direct with me.

And so began my angsty period of Tegan and Sara. First loves rarely turn out well, but in this case, it led to a whole new genre of music. And for that, I will always be grateful to Maggie.

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